Rewrite This Sentence

Just as doctors sometimes make the worst patients, authors sometimes make the worst editors of their own work. Yes, there are certain mandatory principles a good writer has engrained in their craft, but few are completely innocent of infractions, and I'm not talking about grammar. I'm talking about the "awkward sentence."

As all writers know, writing a good sentence is more than stringing together words in a technically accurate manner. Of greater importance is voice, that siren song of the metaphysical mermaid, that illusive element that pulls the reader in. Without voice a story is just an inanimate instrument that nobody wants to play.

Voice often comes from a little rule-breaking, the author's preogative to use a bit of creative license, but where does one draw the line? Sometimes this creative license weighs in a bit heavy with the use of words that, yes, might be as the character would speak, but if that character's awkward sentence trips up the reader, it will wake them up from the magic spell the author has thus far cast in his story-telling.

Even a well-known author can be guilty of this. I've chosen an example from a book recently published by an NAL imprint of the Penguin Group. (I don't wish to cite the work or author, because otherwise he's magnificent and I wouldn't want him to think I was picking on him.) The sentence certainly conveys a thought, but to me, even a mermaid who adores maelstroms and wild streams of consciousness, this sentence formation is a little too chaotic. It tripped me up just as I was starting to enjoy the story. The real killer is the repetitive "one" and too many words ending with s too close together.

What do you think? How would you rewrite the following sentence?

"Every one of these choices one of my humans makes requires a reassessment of his or her future."